Schoool

So I'm going back to school in February! Cancel that exclamation point because I am not excited.

I will be going in the afternoon for once class only, last period math. I am scared to death, I don't know how i am going to cope with going to school everyday when right now I just lay in bed all day feeling horrible. My mom said it may not work so at least she knows I might not be able to handle it. I really hope I can though, I miss seeing people other than my family, I miss having friends, I miss the world.

The most of the world I see these days are my back ally when I let my dog out and from what I can see from my window, thats pretty much it. It gets depressing so I am excited to get out of this house finally, excited but extreme anxiety.

Its a grade 10 class, even though I should be in grade 11. I probably won't have that many friends going back as I will only be there for an hour and a half everyday and I won't be in the same grade class as my friends I have there.

Btw, did I ever mention that this is the school that kicked me out for being sick and missing too much and then denying me back in after i filed an appeal and then finally accepting me back after getting all my doctors to demand i go back? Yeah. I am not dealing with the same people who i dealt with last time since they really screwed me over. I have a new principal I already met with and she seems really nice and helpful so far, so thats good. I am meeting with her and my new teacher soon so I really hope he is nice or else it will make this 100x harder.

Agh, I am scared.. I hate my anxiety I worry about nothing. Hope you're all doing well, haven't posted since before Christmas so i hope you guys had a good Christmas.. I really did!

Sending love to all my spoonies out there :)

Isolation With A Chronic Illness

2 years ago i had a pretty good social life, i had friends who i could call anytime and hang out with. But recently i have never felt so alone. At the beginning of this year, I lost a lot of my friends, i still had some but not that many. I couldn't attend school very often so it made it hard to make friends and have a good relationship with them. I was doing okay though, wasn't complaining that much. 

But around February, i dropped out of school, my illness became too much and i couldn't attend anymore. Thats when i lost most of my friends. Remember i had little to begin with and now i am down to 2 or 3 okay friends who would sometimes text me asking how i was. Slowly they stopped interacting with me at all. Except one person who still called me about once a week. I was SO grateful for her, i had never had such a good friend who cared about me. 

Eventually, i lost her too. She stopped calling and started making plans to hang out with me then ditching me without telling me to go to parties and things i couldn't do. (Not that i was invited anyways) That was the hardest thing, watching her slowly slip away too. I was still getting the rare text once in a while still checking on me, until those texts stopped too. 

Now, i am all alone. I still have my mom and my dog who love me and i am entirely grateful for that. Its still really hard, going through this with no support from any friends at all. I have never felt so alone, i have never BEEN so alone. Its nice to have family but having friends you can talk about different things you wouldn't talk about to your parents. I no longer can have those girl talks with my friends. I have been completely abandoned. 

I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Being ill is hard enough but having no support from any friends makes it harder. 

I just wish i could be better so i could start making new friends and build good relationships with them and feel loved and cared about by people other than your mom. 

To be completely honest, this showed me i didn't have good friends to begin with anyways, what type of "best friend" leaves you when i needed someone the most? Maybe in the end this will be a good thing, maybe it was supposed to happen to show me i needed new friends and i didn't have very good ones. I just hope i can somehow make new ones and i'm not sure how to even do that right now. Being bedridden makes it pretty difficult to meet new people...