Schoool

So I'm going back to school in February! Cancel that exclamation point because I am not excited.

I will be going in the afternoon for once class only, last period math. I am scared to death, I don't know how i am going to cope with going to school everyday when right now I just lay in bed all day feeling horrible. My mom said it may not work so at least she knows I might not be able to handle it. I really hope I can though, I miss seeing people other than my family, I miss having friends, I miss the world.

The most of the world I see these days are my back ally when I let my dog out and from what I can see from my window, thats pretty much it. It gets depressing so I am excited to get out of this house finally, excited but extreme anxiety.

Its a grade 10 class, even though I should be in grade 11. I probably won't have that many friends going back as I will only be there for an hour and a half everyday and I won't be in the same grade class as my friends I have there.

Btw, did I ever mention that this is the school that kicked me out for being sick and missing too much and then denying me back in after i filed an appeal and then finally accepting me back after getting all my doctors to demand i go back? Yeah. I am not dealing with the same people who i dealt with last time since they really screwed me over. I have a new principal I already met with and she seems really nice and helpful so far, so thats good. I am meeting with her and my new teacher soon so I really hope he is nice or else it will make this 100x harder.

Agh, I am scared.. I hate my anxiety I worry about nothing. Hope you're all doing well, haven't posted since before Christmas so i hope you guys had a good Christmas.. I really did!

Sending love to all my spoonies out there :)

Where Are My Friends?

I have recently decided I am going to pretend i no longer have POTS. I posted that i was in the hospital on my Instagram page and guess how many people asked if I was okay or anything, go on guess. Thats right, zero. Not one person cared enough to even leave a message asking if I was okay or just a nice comment. So from that, I no longer have POTS to anyone other than my family. I still have them, they still care.... well... some do anyways.

Its not even that I want attention from this, I honestly just want somebody to actually care about me and maybe just wonder how I am doing. Does it seem silly?


On a good note- Only 7 more days till Christmas Eve when I leave for my Grandparents house. Excited for that. Finally excited for something, haven't felt this in quite a while.

If I don't post before Christmas then i hope you ALL have a good Christmas and hope you can spend it with your family and those who love you. :)
Merry Christmas my fellow spoonies

Isolation With A Chronic Illness

2 years ago i had a pretty good social life, i had friends who i could call anytime and hang out with. But recently i have never felt so alone. At the beginning of this year, I lost a lot of my friends, i still had some but not that many. I couldn't attend school very often so it made it hard to make friends and have a good relationship with them. I was doing okay though, wasn't complaining that much. 

But around February, i dropped out of school, my illness became too much and i couldn't attend anymore. Thats when i lost most of my friends. Remember i had little to begin with and now i am down to 2 or 3 okay friends who would sometimes text me asking how i was. Slowly they stopped interacting with me at all. Except one person who still called me about once a week. I was SO grateful for her, i had never had such a good friend who cared about me. 

Eventually, i lost her too. She stopped calling and started making plans to hang out with me then ditching me without telling me to go to parties and things i couldn't do. (Not that i was invited anyways) That was the hardest thing, watching her slowly slip away too. I was still getting the rare text once in a while still checking on me, until those texts stopped too. 

Now, i am all alone. I still have my mom and my dog who love me and i am entirely grateful for that. Its still really hard, going through this with no support from any friends at all. I have never felt so alone, i have never BEEN so alone. Its nice to have family but having friends you can talk about different things you wouldn't talk about to your parents. I no longer can have those girl talks with my friends. I have been completely abandoned. 

I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Being ill is hard enough but having no support from any friends makes it harder. 

I just wish i could be better so i could start making new friends and build good relationships with them and feel loved and cared about by people other than your mom. 

To be completely honest, this showed me i didn't have good friends to begin with anyways, what type of "best friend" leaves you when i needed someone the most? Maybe in the end this will be a good thing, maybe it was supposed to happen to show me i needed new friends and i didn't have very good ones. I just hope i can somehow make new ones and i'm not sure how to even do that right now. Being bedridden makes it pretty difficult to meet new people... 

School With POTS

So i start school in a week, a brand new school.

Earlier this year in February my school basically kicked me out for missing too much. I'm still not sure that is even legal but none the less i have to go to school so a new one it is.

I'm extremely nervous because this will be my first year in school after being diagnosed (i was diagnosed in March.) I wish with all my heart i could go back to my old school with my very few friends i had and have at least a little support going through this.  At this new school i know one person and she doesn't even know I'm ill (I think she will figure it out soon enough when i miss 50% of the school year though.)

I 100% know i cannot do a full 10  hour day so i am trying to arrange i go only half a day just in the afternoons. I still don't know if i will be able to do that but I have to try and if it doesn't work we will try something else. Maybe a tutor coming to my house to help with online schooling? lets not worry about that right now..

The office at this school seems very nice and they are trying to do what they can for me, so far not much though, but hey they are doing more than my old school and not just kicking me to the curb.

I still don't have anything ready for school though, oops. I need the energy to go back to school shopping which of course i do not have. Sigh..

Bad Episode

So this past weekend i had a major episode, i was at a music festival with my friends when i just got super nauseous randomly so i put my head down on my bag (everyone was sitting on the ground so i just laid down there). I must have passed out for a bit and when i woke up everything was spinning super fast and i was confused and disoriented, i didn't know where i was or who i was. I laid down again and passed out a few more times. When i finally sat up i was shaking and my whole body was vibrating from my heart beating so fast. I couldn't see anything and i was just super scared and confused i had absolutely no idea what was going on around me or anything at all. I do remember hearing people around me speaking to me asking me things but i couldn't understand them and i couldn't speak or move, i felt paralysed.  My friend who thank god stayed with me after i got nauseous got really scared, i must have looked really bad. My friend called me mom and she ran as fast as she could(Never seen her run like that before) because she said she could tell something was seriously wrong in my voice. We got a taxi and she told me i passed out in the taxi again. When we got home i went straight to my bed and my mom got me water and some salt. I don't remember much of what happened after that i just know my mom stayed with me all night. In the morning i felt better, not completely but i wasn't super disoriented anymore and i knew what my surroundings were. I have had something similar happen before but nothing to this degree. It was probably the scariest time of my life this far and i thought i was dying.

I did call the doctor the next day and she doesn't really know what happened but they told me to come in and they could check me out and give me fluids.

If this has happened to anyone ever before let me know, or if you have any idea what happened that would be great to hear some suggestions.